swimming in no man’s land

[This is the poem I wrote the night before I was miraculously able to book my French visa appointment in NY. A reminder of how little faith I have, but how God will give me the strength to trust when I pray for it, and that he is always good, always faithful.]

The sky is a vague ashen gray
And I am afraid to look one way
Or the other
There seems to be so much to lose when there’s so much to gain
Either side shrouded in mystery
What Lord, would you have me learn
from this?
That the things for which my heart yearns are only fleeting, temporaire, conditional?
That I can float but I don’t have the strength to swim the whole way
either way
And it’s only you who can carry me to shore?

There is a point when even floating starts to strain the sinews of my stubborn self dependency
When body drags heavy as mind grows light, emptied of ideas emptied of ways to take flight
Escape from the weight of this leaden sea of Me, myself and
When arms must stop flailing and legs must stop treading fingers must open up unclenching these fistfuls of
Pride, surprise I have it too, however little and perhaps just so that is all the more reason to wish to want to hold on tight
But here at wit’s end, in this smoggy no man’s land, Shanghaied into uncertainty and drear
I need to stop. Let go of myself and my efforts to stand all alone and grab hold of those greater hands of Yours that can lead me to walk on the water
Out of this mire
Into your promise
Land of liberty for my soul which I knew all along
Belonged, belongs to thee.


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