breathe.

I promise that I will start to write about my experience here, at least by the end of this month. I know that’s not a great or very specific promise, but I know myself and I’d rather make a promise I can keep, n’est-ce pas?

In the meantime, here’s a random reflection I had when I was in the bathroom (brushing my teeth..) sometime this weekend. I can’t remember exactly where it came from, except that I was thinking and feeling a mixture of stress/anxiety about adjusting to Paris, remembering a similar feeling that I had in Normandy last summer, remembering being a bit defensive about the value of my experience during that time because the OIP lady told me she wanted to cancel my internship for future students because it seemed like it had not been a valuable enough experience–I realize she meant in terms of learning real work skills and whatnot, but I couldn’t tell her enough how much I had grown and learned and lived and loved while I was there, purely by the grace of God!! I did beg her to keep it though. I believe that anyone who grows up in mainly big city environments needs to go out there and experience that kind of quiet, calm, peace, alone-ness, etc. A personal Walden kind of experience, I guess, except that for those of us who believe in Christ it’s also a deeply communal thing. Anyway, here’s what I wrote:

In Normandie I learned to breathe, to marvel, to love.. Being alive, and noticing life, in any form. To sit still and experience as if for the first time the sun, the rain, the trees and the skies and even the stink of the cows, the slight buzzing of the flies that swarmed around their eyes and swished alongside their tails–to simply exist in a moment, an hour, two, three, for days on end, unworried, unpressed for time. Never looking at my watch. The sun sets at ten. Singing in a house that looks empty but is full of spirit, and Spirit. Because all this beauty is his. And he gave it to us, gives it to us each day but we stare down at our wrists or phones or post-it-note schedules and shove our way on by, seldom ever thinking to pause. Be. Grateful, thankful to be who I am, right here, right now, beloved, perfected not by what I see in the mirror but what I am mirroring, and glad. This is peace. We should try it more often, maybe even once a day–it’s meant to be constant, I think, but I am perhaps more forgetful than most and it takes uprooting me from everything I think I know best to make me look up and see, and smile–at nothing, at myself, at Him, at everything. What wouldn’t I give to have unabashed joy? The price has already been paid.

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “breathe.

      • wait why don’t you like Dillard? I only have one book by her, and it’s about writing, so I don’t know much about her other writings except by quotes I read online after seeing DKong’s comment haha.. but she seems like someone I would really enjoy reading!

  1. I had no idea you had a blog! It looks so pretty and I love reading your posts. This reminds me of the moodle posts we had back in high school 🙂 I’m so jealous you’re in Normandy — I would love the opportunity to practice French.
    I’ve also come to the same realization that it’s important to value living in the present and breathing. I often find myself constantly looking to the future and I end up living in perpetual defer-ment of happiness. I tried yoga last week (the non-intense kind) and it was incredible how relaxed I felt after an hour of just relaxing and being present.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s